Just keep moving

This is going to be another short and sweet entry.  I've been running around all weekend getting read for a summer camp I am helping with, so I haven't had much time to obsess about my unhealthy body issues (thank god).  I've done okay with eating healthy this weekend, which is a fete, as I usually graze on snacks when I'm busy rather than getting in a real meal.  I haven't done great, but I've done okay.  And I can live with that.

I tried TRX today, and I have to say, it wasn't the fiasco I was anticipating.  It was hard.  Like, crazy hard.  I was shaking afterward and really felt like I had worked.  Overall, it was a good experience.  Unfortunately, the only day I can do it is Sunday, and then only if Ernie is off work.  So it isn't likely to become a regular thing.  But my body is healed enough to go back to body pump.  I do want to make that a regular thing.

Today I ate:

2 Waffles (Sunday brunch with the fam, so the unhealthy kind)
8 ounce green smoothie
Flat iron steak wrap
Rhubarb muffin

Exercise:

30 minute TRX class
30 minutes on the elliptical machine

Quick entry

Because it is too soon for me to start missing days, I am here for a quick update.  Today was my day off from the gym.  Saturdays work well because I can enjoy some family time in the evening without stressing about going.  Tomorrow I finally get to try TRX, since Ernie is off work (after three straight weeks without a single day off, it is going to be nice to have him home).  I'll let you know all about it.

Today I ate:

Apple cinnamon oatmeal (steal cut oats, unsweetened almond milk, apples, and cinnamon...mmm)
Pita chips and hummus
Chicken with balsamic glaze
Roasted sweet potatoes and red onions
1 rhubarb muffin

I didn't make a green smoothie today and I actually missed it.  It is like my morning treat.  But Lily had her heart set on oatmeal, and then we were gone for the rest of the day, so I never got a chance.  I definitely feel a difference in energy levels.

Friday...the dreaded picture day!!!

[What you find below is what I wrote based on how I felt this afternoon, and it is pretty pathetic and full of self-loathing.  I decided to keep it, though, because I felt it was important to feel what I was feeling.  But thanks to my wonderful, smart, remarkable, and beautiful sister, I am feeling very different now.  Just when I needed it, she sent me this article.  It is beautifully written and says exactly what I feel better than I ever could.  I am getting healthier and stronger everyday.  I am beautiful and strong and talented.  I am able to hug my daughter tight and play with her everyday.  More importantly, I am trying to be a good role model for her so that the cycle of self-hatred ends with me.  I am grateful for my miraculous body and, while I had a major slip-up today, I will overcome my self-hatred.  Thanks, Shelly, for giving me exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I'm lucky to have such a great sister.]

 

It is the day.  The day I've been dreading since last Friday.  The dreaded picture day.  I find myself getting increasingly frustrated as I continue to see no results.  I keep telling myself it has only been two weeks.  But I am from the generation of instant gratification and I want to see results now!  Also, it would be nice to be able to post these weekly pictures without feeling mortified.

 

My more logical mind knows that all this anger at myself and frustration at not seeing results and not being skinny is sort of against everything I want to focus on and reveals me for the big, fat hypocrite that I am.  It is really hard not to obsess about losing weight and focus on being a certain size.  How do I get over this?  I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, but yesterday I went to the grocery store and had to force myself not to step on the scale to see how much I weigh.  Scale-dependent self-esteem is dangerous.  Mostly because it is bound to defeat me.  So it is time for some truth. 

 

I do want to lose weight.  Obviously, being 200 pounds is not healthy.  Obviously I would have more energy, less health problems, and increase my quality of life by losing weight.  So trying to say I don't want to lose weight is just a lie.  But maybe the real difference this time is I don't have a goal.  I am trying to focus on just being healthy.  I won't weigh myself and I won't know if I'm losing weight, so whether or not I feel good about myself will not be dependent on my scale (if I had one, that is).  I will judge my success by how I feel, both physically and emotionally.  Sometimes, however, that is easier said than done.  Today is one of those times. 

 

I woke up sore (a good sore) from working out like a fiend yesterday.  I was feeling good.  Then I went to get dressed and nothing fit right.  I changed many times, then just felt like giving up and getting back in my pajamas to spend the day on the couch eating ice cream.  Instead, I went to workout.  But I still feel it.  That feeling that I'm worthless because I'm not skinny.  And how stupid is that!  It makes me even more angry at myself for feeling worthless and focusing on my body.  Then I feel even more angry for being angry.  It is a horrible cycle.  So I'm going to take a moment to list some positive things about my progress.

 

After two weeks of working out 6 days a week and eating healthier, I feel better.  I don't have as many crazy cravings and I have more energy.  I think that since my body is getting all these nutrients from fresh fruits and vegetables and not just empty calories, I don't have as many cravings to compensate for the lack of nutrients from eating a diet high in white flours and starches.  (I know that was a crazy, convoluted sentence, but you get what I'm saying, right?)  Also, I am starting to understand the difference between feeling hunger, and just wanting to eat.  And while I never thought I was an emotional eater, I am starting to recognize that when I am stressed or bored or upset, I turn to food.  Rather than eating my emotions (a notion I have always scoffed at before now), I am going to come up with ways to deal with them.  Exercise has been helping with stress.  Boredom can easily be combatted by taking Lily out to do something fun outside.  As for when I am upset, I am still working on that one.  I'll let you know when I come up with a solution.

 

One thing I know for sure is that this isn't something I am doing for a time.  There is no end date.  This is something I am doing for the rest of my life.  I will fight the battle against junk food marketing.  I will fight the battle against processed food.  I will fight the battle against excuses.  Everyday I will fight for my health.  The only way I can lose this battle is to stop fighting.

 

Anyhow, I will stop rambling and just get on with my weekly mortification.  Sorry for the fuzziness of the pictures this week, but I am relying on a 5-year-old to take them, so I have to be happy with what I get.  Someday, when I feel healthy and confident, I will take a picture of myself in real clothes with my hair at least washed and some sort of makeup on my face.  But for now, you get the slovenly, post-workout pictures.

 



 

Today I ate:

2 waffles (I discovered that the healthy pancake recipe I loved from earlier this week, does not work well as waffles.  The batter sticks to the waffle iron and makes it difficult to get out the waffle.  In the future, we will stick to pancakes.  The waffles weren't pretty, but they were tasty.)
2 cups of coffee
8 ounce green smoothie
Chicken with balsamic glaze
Roasted sweet potatoes and red onions (quickly becoming a favorite alternative to mashed potatoes)

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike

The Joy of Baking

I love to cook and bake.  It is a big creative outlet for me.  I don't want to sacrifice that love for the sake of my crusade to bring health into our house.  There must be a way to compromise.  So today I made angel food cupcakes for a friend, with a little batter left over to make a small cake for my family.  Angel food cake has zero fat and low calories, though it does require real sugar and a tiny bit of cake flour.  Substitutes just don't work.  As far as baked goods go, there are worse things I could make.  And after my one piece, I ordered Ernie to take the rest with him to work.  No harm, no foul.  I can't decide if this is a healthy way of dealing with this issue, or if it is a way to make excuses.  I mean, I have found ways to bake things that are healthy.  No oil, no sugar, no flour.  My list of recipes is getting quite long and I could have made one of those.  But I enjoy making cakes. 

Here's the thing.  Food doesn't just feed our bodies.  It feeds our souls.  From the preparation to the presentation to the consumption, it is a way to connect.  With each other, with the earth, and with ourselves.  I just don't want to give that up.  That said, I enjoy the challenge of making healthy meals exciting and beautiful and delicious.  I suppose I need to stick with that and leave the cake making for special occasions.

Today I ate:

6 ounce green smoothie
2 cups of coffee
6 ounce green smoothie
4 almonds
1 piece of angel food cake
Steak with caramelized onions
1 glass of wine

Exercise:

50 minute spin class
2 hours Dance Trance!!!

Lifting each other

Today Lily and I went to the pool with some friends.  One of the other women who we went with mentioned to me that she has been reading my blog.  Then another of the women said she has been too.  I was instantly embarrassed.  Then one told me that she had had similar self-image problems and disordered eating when she was younger.  My other friend said she always has had these issues.  These are woman that I genuinely admire and want to emulate in many ways, and I was shocked.   Maybe I shouldn't have been, but these two woman are just so comfortable with themselves and self-confident that it never entered my mind that they might struggle with some of the issues that I do. 

It made me wonder how so many beautiful, talented, intelligent, and amazing people can have such huge confidence issues and such unhealthy relationships with food.  I've always thought that if only I could be skinnier, prettier, less socially awkward, more outgoing, etc., then I would be happy and confident and just better.  But if these two friends of mine who are beautiful and talented and smart and funny and outgoing have struggled with self-hatred, then there is a fundamental flaw in that thought process that I have had for much of my life.  If I always need something just out of reach to make me happy, I will never be happy.

The purpose of this blog is for me to live a healthier lifestyle.  Weight is not an indicator of either mental, emotional, or physical health.  I find myself getting frustrated because I haven't seen any results yet.  I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet, but I can't seem to help it.  But my size does not determine my health.  If I make smarter decisions when it comes to what I put in my body and I get regular exercise, I will be physically healthy regardless of my size.  And this blog is about health, not weight.  I am soft, I have big arms that I've hated for as long as I can remember, I have a huge ass and wide hips.  But I will love myself.  I will, someday, be able to look in the mirror and, flaws and all, love what I see and who I am.  But after today I realized there is something else I need to do.  I need to support the wonderful women around me.  I have to uplift them and tell them how amazing they are.  Because we all have our struggles and we all need encouragement.  So I am adding that to my goals for this blog.  I want to remember that there are others that need encouragement and acceptance and permission to forgive themselves just as much as I do.  I will try to remember that as I go throughout my day and provide those things where and if I can.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
1.5 pancakes (made with eggs, bananas, and oats. Lily loved them, even without sugar and flour)
2 cups of coffee
2 fish tacos
Watermelon
10 almonds

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike

Am I done yet?

I'm going to make this short and sweet.  I'm tired, I had a long day, and I overcame a killer craving for Taco Bell (I even got so far as driving up to the building before turning the car toward home, sans any burritos or tacos), so as far as I'm concerned, I'm done.  I went to the gym, and actually wanted to, which is new.  I think having the break where I get to be alone and listen to a book on tape for an hour and a half is getting addicting, even if it comes with dripping sweat and burning thighs.  Maybe it is made even sweeter because of these things.

I took Lily to the Museum of Science and History with her cousins today (hence, the above picture of adorableness).  Afterward we took a side trip to Chamblins Uptown, which I have wanted to check out since we moved here two years ago.  And it did not disappoint.  I couldn't leave without sampling some of the vegan and gluten-friendly food.  It was a delicious veggie wrap and I regret nothing!  (p.s.  I know I skipped breakfast and I know that was horrible of me.  But I didn't have time to make something at home and I didn't want to order out for breakfast and lunch.  I will endeavor not to do it again.)

Today I ate:

Grande iced coffee
Veggie wrap
Chai tea
10 almonds
Pork over quinoa
Roasted sweet potatoes with radish chips

Exercise:

1 hour stationary bike
20 minute run

 

Going out to eat...my first test

 

Today was a hectic day.  We left the house at 9:00 a.m. and didn't get back home until 4:30.  Even then, I only stayed home long enough to drop Lily off with Ernie and head out for an evening of fun-filled cardio.  It was a test to my commitment, being away from home all day.  There is comfort in dieting within the confines of your home.  You can control everything that comes into your kitchen and everything you put in your mouth.  But as soon as you leave, that control diminishes.  So today, being the first day out since I started this journey, was difficult.  I went to Starbucks because I didn't have time for coffee before we left the house.  Normally I would get a skinny cinnamon dolce latte and something to eat (usually a spinach feta wrap or a protein pack, but sometimes something worse like a selection from the pastry shelves).  Today, even as I had my order on the tip of my tongue, I had to remind myself of my commitment to healthy eating.  So instead of a drink that was the equivalent of an ice cream sundae (a large one) and a carb-filled snack, I ordered an iced coffee for me and a milk and muffin for Lily.

On my day went until the ultimate test reared its ugly head.  After my appointment in Jacksonville this afternoon, Lily said she was starving and demanded I feed her immediately (she's so high maintenance, expecting to be fed and all that).  So I found a café that looked like it offered relatively healthy selections and told myself that I would order something in line with my new lifestyle.  Luckily, the café turned out to be much more crunchy than I'd originally believed.  They were a gluten-free, vegan, and farm-to-table restaurant that was perfect. I was able to enjoy a wonderful, nutrient packed salad.  Then for dessert I split a green smoothie with Lily. 

I survived.  It was scary, but I did it with relatively few slip ups.  And I learned that I can still enjoy going out to eat with Lily (something we have long enjoyed doing together) and not compromise my healthy eating commitment.

Today I ate:

Grande iced coffee
Eggs with bacon and gouda
Spinach and goat cheese salad
8 ounce green smoothie
10 almonds
6 ounce green smoothie

Exercise:

50 minute spin class
2 hours Dance Trance

Motivation

I am my own worst enemy.  I have been doing this for 10 days.  10 days of healthier living and I have been feeling great, for the most part.  Motivation has come in many different forms and from many different people since I started this journey, and I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support, be it a virtual high five, a like, a blog comment, or a real life hug.  When I was sitting on my couch at 9:50 Friday night, trying to convince myself I didn't need to go to the gym, it was that support that got me off that couch.  I ended up burning nearly 600 calories that night (not that I'm counting ;)).  And today, when my husband and daughter ordered barbeque, it was that support that kept me from partaking.  I had two slices of pork, 2 slices of beef, and a salad rather than devouring potato salad, cornbread, baked beans, and banana pudding.  So thank you to everyone who has given me a word of encouragement or a like or a hug.  It has given me the strength to say I can do this.  And I will continue to do this.  I will not give up when I try to convince myself giving up would be easier, so thank you.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
10 almonds
8 ounce green smoothie
2 slices of rhubarb bread (I made four mini loaves using my no oil, no sugar, no gluten, whole grain recipe this afternoon and they were all gone by the end of dinner.  Lily and Ernie LOVED them.  Best recipe ever!)
Pork and Beef
Cucumber, tomato, and feta salad with balsamic vinegar

Exercise:

1 hour stationary bike
20 minutes running (my ankle has felt good today, so I did a test run.  No pain, so whatever I did appears to be healed.  Hurrah!  But now I'm kinda hooked on the stationary bike.  I think I'll do half and half)

No gym today :(

I didn't get in any exercise today.  I was all signed up for a triathlon this morning, but Ernie had to go into work at the last minute and I didn't have anyone to watch Lily.  I was so bummed about losing out on the registration money ($65), that I completely sabotaged my day by not working out at all.  I still could if I was really dedicated, but it is after 11:00 and I really am not that dedicated.  Sleep is more important.  I will get right back to it tomorrow, though.  And honestly, working out at night means I never get to see my husband, who leaves for work before 5:00 a.m. and usually doesn't get home until 6:00 or later.  So it was nice relaxing this evening and spending time with him and Lily.

If I fall off the exercise bandwagon, I get right back on it.  Tomorrow I will be back to the gym and, as long as Ernie doesn't have to go back into work, trying TRX.  I'm a little nervous because I am not a good at things that require both strength and coordination.  If I get to go, I will have a full breakdown of each moment of humiliation for your reading pleasure.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
2 cups of coffee (I've officially gotten used to unsweetened coffee.  In fact, I love it!  Goodbye to those daily empty calories)
10 almonds
8 ounce green smoothie
1 rhubarb muffin
Peppercorn crusted pork tenderloin
Roasted sweet potatoes and onions in balsamic vinegar
1 glass of wine

At least I did pretty well with what I ate.  I've noticed that if I take the time to plate my meals on the good dishes, it makes eating healthy more comforting and satisfying.  I wonder why that is?

This will get easier...I hope

I've been dreading this day all week.  In fact, I've been dreading it since I posted my first picture last Friday.  This is hard.  I don't want to care about a number on a scale, but it is taking every ounce of willpower I possess not to step on that scale.  I really want to know.  But I know what knowing will do to me.  It won't be the number I want, and then I will berate and belittle myself for being so fat.  Then I will get depressed.  And when I'm depressed, I become susceptible to emotional binge eating (like devouring the remaining chocolate chip cookies Lily and I made yesterday.)  Then I'll get even more depressed and secretly go to Taco Bell, ordering four burritos and eating them in the parking lot while I cry over how pathetic I am.  Then I will go workout until I throw up the four burritos and feel even more depressed and dysfunctional.

You know, I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't realize how hard.  Spilling all my shameful secrets is one of the most difficult things I've done.  I don't want you all to think everyday is horrible and I suffer from constant depression.  That isn't the case at all.  But I know my triggers and I know how bad it can get.  I'm trying to prevent that from happening, because I don't want to keep going through this.  So I won't weigh myself, and I won't obsess about calorie counting, and I won't belittle or berate myself for not being where I want to be.  I will not focus on weight.  I will not compare my body to everyone around me.  I will be happy with whatever weight I end up being, as long as I know I am living a healthy life.  Because losing weight will not keep me from getting diabetes or having a heart attack at 35.  You know what will?  Healthy eating and regular exercise.  But still, it is hard not to let myself obsess and belittle and berate and have my happiness hinge on the numbers on a scale.

We are, every single one of us, fabulous in our own right.  I will endeavor to acknowledge my own fabulousness and to quiet that voice in my head that always wants to hate on me. 

Before I post my weekly pictures (perhaps I'm stalling a bit.  Sue me!), I'd like to share this video a friend of mine sent me on facebook after my post last week.  I'll warn you, there is nudity in the video, but it is done in a tasteful and beautiful way that demonstrates this new way in which I am trying to think of my body as something miraculous and beautiful.  I cried like a baby when I first watched it.  But if that offends you, please skip the video.  I won't know you skipped it, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't judge you for it.  Click here to watch it.

Without further ado, my weekly picture (I was going to wear the same outfit each week as a point of comparison, but the shorts I wore last week are still dirty, so I opted for pants): 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so glad that is over with!  Now I don't have to do it again until next Friday (crap!).  I look exactly the same as I did last week, but I don't know what I expected in a week.  I'm still awesome, even though I didn't make a whole lot of progress this week.  No, let me rephrase that.  I am awesome, regardless of what progress I did nor did not make.  I am not doing this so that I will be happy with myself at some future date.  I am doing it because I love myself now and I deserve a strong, healthy body that will let me do all the things I love.  It'll happen, as long as I keep making positive life changes, right?  And fat shaming, even when done by myself, will only harm that progress.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie (strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, banana, spinach, almond milk.  I ran out of Greek yogurt yesterday and didn't get to the grocery store until after the gym, but it wasn't bad without it.)
2 cups of coffee
8 ounce green smoothie (strawberries, banana, kale, Greek yogurt, almond milk)
1 Rhubarb muffin (recipe below)
Spinach, strawberry, and feta salad
6 ounce steak with caramelized onions
Roasted sweet potatoes

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike

My ankle has been feeling better, so I tried the elliptical machine today.  Turns out, doing that when I did Dance Trance last night wasn't the best decision.  My ankle is now swollen to an obscene size and I have it elevated, wrapped, and iced.  Back to the stationary bike for me (Boo!).

Gluten-sugar-and-oil-free Rhubarb Muffins:

1 cup of mashed rhubarb

2 eggs

1/2 cup milk, skim

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 cups gluten-free flour (I used King Arthur.  I've made my own before, but it is so much easier to use a pre-mixed brand so I don't have to worry about buying all the different types of flours and xanthan gum.  It seems cheaper to me and less of a hassle, and I don't really see any benefit to mixing it up myself.  I could be wrong.)

1 tablespoon ground flaxseed

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 cup coconut sugar

1/4 cup water

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl mix together rhubarb (I ran the raw rhubarb through the food processor.  I considered just cutting it up and tossing it in, but figured doing it this way would make Lily and Ernie more likely to try them.  Plus, I figured I needed all the moisture I could get.  But you could chop it up, I'm sure, if you'd prefer), eggs, vanilla, milk and applesauce. In another bowl mix together the rest of the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients then add the 1/4 cup water.  Do NOT over stir! Spray a 12 capacity and 6 capacity muffin pan with nonstick cooking spray. Pour batter into muffin cups filling to capacity. Makes 16. Bake 30 minutes or until a toothpick in center comes out clean.

My thoughts on rhubarb

Have you tried rhubarb?  You should.  Thanks to a friend of mine, I have recently discovered the wondrous deliciousness that is rhubarb.  It is very low calorie, adds a beautiful, tartly-sweet flavor to foods, and is easy to prepare.  It is also full of phyto-nutrients like fiber and antioxidants.  Plus, it contains a wide array of vitamins and minerals.  And it makes so many things taste better.  I've started my exploration of rhubarb with oatmeal.  Oatmeal, a little honey, and some rhubarb is a tasty snack that fills you up and is full of all these wonderful things to help you body run more efficiently.  And it satisfies my cravings for unhealthy snacks really well, as it tastes so decadent.  I can make it one serving at a time in a small mug in just a few minutes.  I highly recommend it.  I have a great recipe for gluten-free, sugar-free, oil-free banana muffins that I also think would be wonderful with rhubarb!  I'm excited to try them.

Today I ate:

6 ounce green smoothie
1 Kashi granola bar
8 ounce green smoothie
Rhubarb oatmeal
Chicken with balsamic glaze over spinach and quinoa
2 gluten-free chocolate chip cookies (I promised Lily we could have a movie night tonight and make cookies together.  What was I supposed to say?  Since normally I would tell myself they weren't that bad since they were gluten-free and gorge myself on half a dozen or more, I'm pretty happy with the fact that I only ate 2.)

Exercise:

50 minute spin class (It was harder today than it was on Monday!  I remember a time when I used to scoff at those people who took spin classes, as if it weren't real exercise.  Let me just say, crow does not taste good.)
1.5 hours of Dance Trance

It's a process

I've been thinking today about my process.  I suspect that it will evolve quite a bit over the course of my journey.  But right now, I wanted to put my process into words so that I have a more focused approach.  I think this will be especially useful because Lily has these mysterious, debilitating stomach pains that no one seems to be able to tell us how to alleviate, which is causing Lily and me both considerable stress.  That stress can easily translate into an excuse to fall back into bad habits.  Let's see if I can put my process into some sensible steps for me to follow so that doesn't happen.

Step 1:  Love myself.  If I don't love myself at 200 pounds, I won't love myself at 140 pounds, or 160 pounds, or any weight.  How do I do this?  That is the question I have been struggling with.  Right now I am working on daily affirmations (which make me feel like a big dork right now, but they are getting easier).  I am also working on focusing more each day on the quality of my day.  What I mean is that I focus on spending less time in front of my computer and more time at the garden, or at the beach, or on a walk, or playing dolls with my daughter. 

Step 2:  Eat clean, healthy meals prepared at home.  So far this has been easy.  I always eat relatively well when I am able to make the food.  The problem comes when we go on vacation.  And we seem to go on vacations a lot.  Then I get in the habit of eating out or letting others prepare my food for me, so when we get back to real life, as it were, I don't want to spend all that time in the kitchen preparing healthy meals for myself and my family.  That is when I fall on the old excuse of "I'm too tired to cook tonight.  Let's order pizza!"  So today I made an important purchase.  I bought a cooler.  Now, when we go on vacation I can bring my kitchen with me.  It is going to take more effort and planning (I am a spontaneous vacationer and we usually end up deciding to go somewhere an hour or so before we hit the road).  But if I can prepare healthy snacks and bring the makings of healthy meals, I'll at least be better equipped to combat the temptation of fast food.

Step 3:  Be active.  Whether I make it to the gym or not, I want to live a more active life.  My goal is to workout at least six days a week, but whether I workout or not, I want to be active.  I want to take walks and play outside with my daughter.  I want to run and breath deep and enjoy this beautiful world more.

Step 4:  Accept the love that surrounds me.  I am so lucky.  I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and great friends and family surrounding me everyday.  When my inner demons start railing on me, I find myself reluctant to accept this love.  I doubt its sincerity and have a tendency to isolate myself.  I'm really working hard to reverse this tendency.  When I am feeling particularly down on myself, I'm not going to hide it like some shameful secret and pull away from those who love me.  Instead, I'm going to make my shame public and embrace those who offer me support and love.

Step 5:  Forgive myself.  There will be days when I will fail at one or all of the above steps.  No one can be perfect, as much as I feel like I should be the exception.  So I am going to forgive myself when I fall short on any of these steps.  If I eat cake for breakfast or have two scoops of mocha ice cream at the Fudge Shoppe, I will forgive myself.  If I miss going to the gym, I will forgive myself.  If I let my inner demons spiral me into a depression, I will forgive myself.  And then I will move on from it as if it never happened.  I will not use it as an excuse to give up altogether.  If you get a flat tire, you repair the hole.  You do not poke a thousand other holes in the tire in retaliation for the one, easily repaired, damaged area.

Today I ate:

12 ounce green smoothie (I went simple today, because I was tired and didn't feel like putting too much effort into making breakfast.  It was bananas, strawberries, spinach, and plain Greek yogurt.)
2 cups of coffee
1 piece of angel food cake
Sweet potato fries

Yesterday was such a good day with Lily.  After her feeling so badly for as long as she did, I was very excited to go an entire day without any stomach pains.  But by early afternoon today, they were back with a vengeance.  So we spent much of the afternoon at the doctor (she is fine, by the way).  I didn't eat anything for dinner, but I can't bring myself to feel guilty.  I did go to the gym after Lily went to bed, and it helped relieve some of my stress, which was helpful.

Exercise (since I couldn't take Lily with me with her feeling sick again, the body pump class didn't happen :(, but at least I did something):

1 hour on the stationary bike.  I'm starting to like this a little more.  Well like is a bit of a misnomer.  I suppose it would be more accurate to say that I am starting to hate it less.  It is a good alternative to running when my ankle is throbbing.  I only went 15 miles today, but I felt good afterward, so I guess that's okay.  I increased the resistance, so I assume that is why I didn't pedal as fast.

I am happy.  I will live today, not wait for tomorrow.  Life is what we make of it now, so live the best you can today.

Undeserving of Love

Have you heard of this lady?  Dr. Brene Brown is a shame researcher and I found her recently when trying to find little inspirational things that could help me through my rough days.  I love her.  You should watch some of her talks on youtube.  She has a particularly great TED talk that I really recommend.  Shame is debilitating and can be lethal.  So before I give you my daily journal accounting, I just want to say that you - whoever you are reading this right now - are beautiful.  You are amazing.  You deserve all the love and happiness this world has to offer. 

It is rather apropos that I find this researcher today who has dedicated her career to understanding shame and vulnerability, since I did something shameful today.  I skipped the gym.  And to add insult to injury, tonight was the night of my book club, so I also ate less healthy than I should have.  BUT, I won't let myself be shamed.  I exercised for three hours yesterday and I am doing an hour body pump class in the morning.  There is nothing I can do about the food I ate, other than to move forward with a determination to do better.

All-in-all, it really was a good day.  Lily was feeling better and back to her energetic, playful self and we actually got to leave the house and do some fun outdoorsy things.  I feel productive and accomplished.  And now that I have had my book club time to eat good food, drink good wine, and have good conversation with friends, my soul feels better than it has in weeks.  So while there is no exercise entry for today and I ate worse than I would have liked, I am still worthy of love and happiness.  And I am surrounded by both and it is up to me to accept them.

Today I ate:

12 ounce green smoothie
1 cup of coffee
Tortilla chips and salsa (fifteen chips...I counted them!)
1 tall iced coffee from starbucks (no more sweet coffees for me :(, but it was still good.)
Shepherd's pie
Angel food cake with fresh berries
Salad
2 rhubarb  squares
2 glasses of red wine

Accountability

I had a conversation recently that has been with me a lot over the last couple of days.  It was about the importance of healthy inner dialogue in making changes in my life.  Since I was a young girl, there has been this voice inside of my head.  It makes sure I never get the chance to feel too good about myself.  I wouldn't want to actually see myself as the awesome person I am, right?  It tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not witty enough, I'm not...well, you get the idea.  It is difficult quieting this voice, as it tends to scream if I ignore it long enough.  Today it has been roaring.

I woke up this morning, having spent two nights with very little sleep due to a poor little girl with a virus that had her waking up every hour or so to puke her guts out in my toilet as I held back her hair.  I was tired, cranky, and emotional.  I was also vulnerable.  And that's how it started. 

This isn't going to work, that inner voice told me.  You're never going to have the body you want.  You are a fat slob.  You didn't even shower yesterday!

As I went to make my morning smoothie, that voice refused to relent.  You should skip breakfast, it sneered.  It isn't like you aren't getting enough food.  Look at you!  If anyone could use a good fast, it's you.

On it went, over and over, all day long.  Sometimes that voice even berated my mothering.  I mean, what kind of a mother can't help her sick child?  You shouldn't have done XYZ.  If you'd only been a better mother, this wouldn't be happening to Lily right now.

By the time I could make it to the gym, I was ready to cry.

Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror and did something that made me feel really silly at the time, but much to my surprise, helped quite a bit.  I told myself that I was amazing.  I was strong, I was smart, and I was determined.  And I was a damned good mother.  No one, not even me, could tell me different.  And then I smiled.  Even though I wanted to cry, I made myself smile as I kissed my husband and sick daughter goodbye and headed to the gym.

Normally, I would have succumbed to that inner voice telling me I couldn't do this.  But because of this blog, I didn't.  Because I am holding myself accountable in such a public fashion, I couldn't let my inner mean girl defeat me.  So thank you to everyone who reads this.  Thank you for holding me accountable, not just for living a healthy lifestyle, but for having a better relationship with myself.  I have gotten so much encouragement from people who have read this blog in the short time since I started it, and it helped me get through a really difficult day.  So thank you.

And with that said, here is my daily journal.

Today I ate:

12 ounce green smoothie (I had some tomatoes that weren't going to last much longer, so I threw them in my smoothie this morning.  I also added yogurt and a banana to the mix.  Not too bad.)
1 piece of vegan strawberry tart (I hate leftovers!  I must eat them quickly so they are no longer there to tempt me :))
2 cups of coffee (with almond milk this time.  I feel that this is a great accomplishment.  And I got to enjoy the great flavor of the coffee.  It wasn't sweet, but I realized something.  The reason I felt the need for creamer wasn't because I didn't like coffee without it.  It was because I have grown to expect my coffee to be sweet.  I actually really like the robust, smooth flavor of coffee without any sweeteners.)
8 ounce green smoothie (Lily didn't want anything to eat this morning and I didn't want the smoothie to go to waste, so it was my breakfast and lunch)
Chicken with balsamic glaze over spinach and quinoa

Exercise:

50 minute spin class.  I actually really enjoyed this class, even though I had to again work on a stationary bike.  I wasn't expecting to, but time flew and I worked harder than I do on my own.  I could see this being a regular thing.

2 hours of Dancetrance!!!  I've missed so many dancetrance classes of late, that I was very excited to be back!  If you haven't heard of it, you can check it out here.  It is the absolute best fitness program I have ever tried.  I just wish I could still do it 11 hours a week.  I'm lucky nowadays if I make it to one class a week.

A little science lesson

Today I want to take a moment to explain something about calories.  For years I thought that if I simply ate fewer calories than I expended, I would lose and/or maintain weight.  This certainly works in the short term, but I've learned that it can't work for long term health (I'm using the term "health" as opposed to "weight loss" because that is what I am talking about here).  Now, there are people much more qualified than I who could explain this much better, and if you wish to learn more about how your body works, you should definitely research metabolism functionality.  But here I will attempt to give my abbreviated understanding.

I'm sure everyone has heard the idea that you must have a deficit of 3500 calories in a week to lose a single pound.  Forget that idea right now.  If that were true, then losing weight would be as simple as restricting your diet so that you consume less than your basal metabolic rate.  The average female's (since I am a woman, figured I'd use me) basal metabolic rate is around 1,500.  This means that if I lounge around my house all day and do basically nothing, I will burn 1,500 calories just by being alive.  So according to this idea that for me to lose weight I simply have to burn more than I take in each day, all I would need to do to lose a pound a week would be to restrict my diet to 1000 calories a day.  Then by the end of the year, I should have lost 52 pounds, right?

Wrong.

Our bodies are designed to survive.  If we restrict our caloric intake, over time our body will adjust.  It does this by lowering our basal metabolic rate.  So in the hypothetical above, after two months, my BMR would have lowered to 1000.  So after two months, I would stop losing weight (note that I don't know if it would actually take two months for this to happen, but in lieu of and actual number, of which I am ignorant to, I am just using a random amount of time to illustrate a point).  I would also be more lethargic, more prone to headaches, less mentally alert, less productive, etc.  Sounds fun, right?  If you've never experienced it, let me tell you right now that it is a blast.  You get grouchy, have mood swings, have trouble sleeping, and a whole host of other issues that make you a pure joy to live with.  Then to top it all off, you have to reduce your caloric intake even further if you want to lose any more weight.  And even if you just want to maintain your weight, you have to only eat 1000 calories a day for the rest of your life if you don't want to immediately gain weight!  As you can see, this is hardly sustainable.

So how do we lose weight? 

Well, if you are like me and have spent years lowering your basal metabolic rate into virtual non-existence, it is going to be damned difficult.  And the more often I go through this cycle of reducing calories to lose weight, the more difficult it becomes. 

So knowing all of this is part of the reason I have decided to focus on getting healthy.  My thyroid issues and my PCOS are my fault.  I own that.  I've messed up my body so much that just about anything I put in my mouth causes me to gain weight.  The last time I lost weight, at first I was doing it the right way.  Not by calorie counting, but changing the quality of food that I put in my mouth.  More fiber, more fresh, less processed.  I was exercising more and I was eating clean foods that would help my metabolism work more efficiently.  Then I started wanting more results and faster results, so I again fell into the trap of "less in, more out" to lose weight.  But I ended up further harming my already screwed up metabolism.

I wanted to explain this so that people would understand that this blog isn't about a diet.  It isn't about calorie counting.  It isn't about losing weight.  This blog is my quest toward changing my entire lifestyle and thought processes.  Changing what I put in my body, changing how I view myself and my body, not allowing my dress size to determine my self-worth, and attempting to repair the damage years of extreme diet and exercise have wreaked.  There is no fast way to do this.  If I want to be healthy and increase my quality of life for the rest of my life, I have to focus on being healthy.  Not eating less calories than I burn.  Not losing weight.  Not setting goals.  Just being healthy.  I need to change the way I view food and my relationship with it, which is difficult not only because I am surrounded by an industry that makes millions off of keeping me in my old mindset of weight loss and self-flagellation, but because I've had 20 odd years to perfect my current thought processes.  So just as I don't want to know the number on the scale (okay, I really do, but I'm trying not to care...this is a process), I also don't want to know how many calories I consume each day.  I just want to know that the food I am putting in my body is going to help it run in the healthiest and most efficient manner possible. 

With that said, here is my daily entry:

Today I ate:

12 ounces of green smoothie (strawberries, bananas, blackberries, blueberries, spinach, and kale)
2 cups of coffee (this time I measured 1 tablespoon of creamer into each cup, so I can say with confidence that I consumed 2 tablespoons.  Less than normal, but the coffee was still rich deliciousness in a cup, so I'm good with that.  A tiny change, but a change nonetheless.  And if I were counting calories...which I'm not...it would be eliminating approximately 200 calories each day.  Sometimes even double that!)
1 slice of whole grain (made by me with real whole grains, not processed crap) bread with peanut butter
Meatloaf and rice
1 Pina Colada 
1 piece of vegan strawberry tart


Exercise:

1 hour on the stationary bike.  Since I've made the decision to ignore the calories I consume, I am also going to ignore the calories I expend.  I am exercising to protect my brain, increase my muscle mass, and increase my lung function, thereby making me healthier (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).  I rode 17 miles and, surprisingly, got nowhere.  Remember how I hate stationary bikes?  Well, tomorrow I'm going to try a spin class and see if that makes pedaling the equivalent of 17 miles, yet getting absolutely nowhere, any more bearable.  I'll let you know.

I didn't make any excuses not to exercise today, even though it was Fathers Day and Lily was up all night last night with a stomach ache, so I was tired and didn't get to it until late in the day and I easily could have let myself off the hook.  I'm proud of that accomplishment.  My excuses are invalid.

It's not a job, it's a lifestyle

This morning I made green smoothies for breakfast.  I used blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries, which surprisingly overpowered the spinach and kale so the smoothies weren't actually green, but an appealing dark purple.  I garnished them with slices of strawberries on the straw and the glass rim, and Lily was thrilled.  Lily had no idea she was eating spinach and kale along with her fancy smoothie.  She drank two glasses of the stuff.  She has been having stomach issues of late almost every time she eats something (which has been concerning), but she didn't have a single problem with this breakfast.  I think this will work.

Today I ate:

12 ounces of green smoothie (banana, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, kale, spinach, and almond milk)
3 cups of coffee (with maybe 3 tablespoons of creamer.  I tried to use almond milk, but didn't like it.  I'm not ready to give up my creamer just yet.  I did half creamer, half almond milk, so that's progress, right?)
Peanut butter on a slice of the whole grain bread I made last night
Grapes
Meatloaf
Radish chips (Have you ever had these?  This was my first time making them, and let me tell you, they are delicious!  More addicting than potato chips.  Of course, I hate potato chips, so maybe that's a bad analogy)
Spinach, strawberry, and feta salad
Another slice of that yummy bread (yes, I said yummy.  I have a five-year-old.  I say "doggy" and "potty" as well.  It annoys the hell out of me too.)

Better than yesterday (probably because I ate everything Lily did, which curbed my unhealthy snacking tendencies when I skip meals).  I ate too much bread, but I have been making a very strong effort all day not to berate myself for it (my new resolution not be become obsessed with diet).  We're off to a good start and Lily didn't notice me doing anything different.  Honestly, I didn't really do anything different for her, with the exception of the breakfast smoothie.  And it didn't take any more time than usual.  Lily wants to make cupcakes for Fathers Day tomorrow, though, so I'm almost guaranteed to eat more of them than I should.  I think I will make them gluten-free, at least, so they are a smidge less unhealthy (though you should read "smidge" very literally).  Of course, my naturally tendency is to think that just because I made something a bit more healthy than it normally is, I can eat as much as I want.  I'll have to watch myself on that one.  I'm going to let myself eat two cupcakes.  And since I made that decision today, I won't feel bad about it tomorrow.  In theory, anyway.


Exercise:

1 hour stationary bike (I hate the stationary bike - even more so than the treadmill - but my ankle has been throbbing lately.  Yesterday I think I forced myself to run on it when I should not have, so I had few options today.)  Calories (again, according to the machine which I don't know if I can trust): 425 (I'd rather do Dance Trance for an hour and burn 600 calories dancing and having fun with my girls, but beggars can't be choosy.)

30 minutes walking on treadmill (speed 3.8)

I hate working out inside on a machine.  It seems pointless to me.  That's why I prefer classes or exercising outdoors.  With my schedule, however, I have to take what I can get or I'll just make excuses not to go.  Thank god for audible, that's all I have to say about that.  At least I can take my mind off the banality of the exercise by listening to a good book.

Reality hits...hard

Last year I lost a bunch of weight.  Around 40 pounds.  I was feeling proud of myself.  Energized and on my way toward reaching my weight loss goals (about 30 more pounds).  Then something happened.  Well, a few somethings, but I won't bore you with the details.  Suffice it to say, I gained almost all that weight back!  Woohoo for me! 

I've been conflicted about this weight gain for a couple of reasons.  I have an obsessive personality.  Most of the time, it is harmless.  But added to that is my own personal baggage (a lot of which has to do with body image).  The result is unhealthy diet and exercise habits.  When I was in college, I exercised for 1-2 hours everyday and often would eat next to nothing (we're talking one yogurt a day) in order to maintain my weight of 145 pounds.  At the time, I thought this was horribly high and constantly berated myself for my inability to go any lower.  When I became pregnant with my daughter at 24 years old, I was terrified of gaining weight.  It got to the point that I endangered myself and my unborn child and was put on bed rest.  I thought long and hard about my situation and how I had gotten there.  I decided then and there to get rid of my self image baggage.  Not for myself, but for my daughter.  I didn't want her to inherit my issues. 

For a while, I did pretty well.  But then stress of life and some serious changes in circumstance led me to spiral out of control.  I had no way to really exercise and was surrounded my fried foods with no way to afford healthy alternatives.  It may come as little surprise that I gained weight.  About 45 pounds, to be exact.  I went from 160 to 204 over the course of a year.  My life circumstances stabilized and my stress diminished and I made the decision to live a healthier lifestyle.  But then I fell into the trap so many do.  I was addicted to the compliments I was getting.  Every time I lost five pounds, people would tell me how great I looked.  I became obsessed again.  Another round of extreme dieting and exercise brought me down from a size 14 to a size 8.  I was down to 165 pounds.  Then something happened that devastated me.  My five-year-old daughter asked me if she was fat.

I think a little part of me died inside the day those words came out of her mouth.  I told her she was beautiful and perfect and that her body was miraculous.  It allowed her to play and swim and walk and talk and do myriad of things from day to day that were simply amazing.  I told her that she was healthy (I have always made sure she eats healthy, well-balanced and freshly made meals, even when I don't) and happy and didn't need to worry about anything else.  From that moment on I made a decided effort NOT to focus on my body.  I still exercised and ate healthy, but I didn't go to the extreme, and I NEVER talked about weight.

What happened next didn't happen all at once.  It happened in increments.  I had a miscarriage (the second one in a year) and became very depressed.  I stopped worrying about what I was eating.  Like, completely.  My source of exercise disappeared.  It was a dance fitness program and had been perfect for me, since I could bring my daughter with me.  As I am a stay-at-home mom who homeschools her daughter, I had to have a way to exercise where I could bring my daughter with me, so once this source virtually vanished, my opportunities to exercise greatly diminished.  She was too old for a jogging stroller (and hated it), so running outside was so much stress that it just wasn't a feasible option for me.  For a while I biked with her in a stroller behind me, but she soon outgrew that stroller and was horribly uncomfortable in it, so that option was gone as well.  So I went from eating 1000 calories a day to not having any idea how many calories I was eating (but definitely way over 1000).  At about the same time I went from exercising 11-14 hours a week to exercising 4 hours a week.  The toll this took on my body, as you can imagine, was great.

Two months ago, I weighed myself for the first time in six months.  200 pounds (again!).  I immediately bought a gym membership at a gym with daycare and promised myself I would get this under control.  Now here I am two months later and I doubt I've been to the gym 10 times in two months.  I do manage to exercise about three times a week outside of the gym, but it isn't enough.  I've lost no weight and I am about to burst into tears.  All because I am unhappy with my body.  I have thyroid issues, stress, and PCOS that don't make weight loss terribly easy either...and don't help with my emotional turmoil.  God, I'm a mess.

So here I am, trying to find a happy medium.  I don't quite know how to go about it, but I figured I owed it to myself and to my daughter to try. I need to be honest and accountable for my body issues.  I want to be healthy and have the energy to play with my daughter, but I don't want to become obsessed with my losing weight.  Here are the problems I have as I see them:

1.   I have a tendency to become obsessed with weight and weight loss (just like any woman, I suppose);

2.   I have a daughter who watches and emulates everything I do;

3.   I have a tendency to eat carb and sugar-heavy foods;

4.   I have a difficult time scheduling exercise into my day, since I am always going to have to have my daughter with me (except those rare occasions when my husband isn't working and can watch her while I work out);

5.   I am very unhappy with my body;

6.   I compare myself to unrealistic images of what I should look like;

7.   I use the fact that these standards of beauty are unrealistic to excuse my obesity;

8.   I am not happy!

I'm sure there are more issues (too many to enumerate here), but here is where I stand.  I want to get my weight under control, but at the same time, I don't want to worry about my weight (contradictory, I know, but what can I say?  I'm complicated).  And so I am here.  I am here to remind myself that I need to focus on getting healthy and not obsess over a number on a scale.  Because once I reach my goal, I will stop trying and just go back to my old bad habits.  Plus, my daughter will pick up on my obsession and place an unhealthy emphasis on her own body, which would kill me.

Here is what I propose.  I will post a journal of my daily food and exercise.  I will also, every Friday, post a picture of myself.  I will not, however, be posting any weigh-ins at all on this page.  I don't own a scale and will not purchase one.  I don't want to know that number.  But I do want to eat better and exercise regularly.  I want to be HEALTHY, not thin.  So to start myself off, here is my Friday picture (courtesy of my daughter, whom I told I was doing this for a new blog I was writing, but did not tell her the details.  Simply that I had to post a picture of myself once every week.):

And because I haven't suffered enough humiliation today, here is one more picture of me with messy hair, no makeup, and completely unflattering clothing:

Food I've eaten today:

1 egg
3 banana muffins (homemade, gluten and sugar-free, but still...three!  That was unnecessary!)
1 bowl of ice cream (two scoops...I have no idea how much this is.  Too much, that's for sure.  I will no longer buy ice cream, no matter what my husband says.)
Strawberries, blueberries, and almonds (about a cup altogether...the only decent thing I ate today)
Two cups of coffee with creamer.  I don't know for sure, but I'd guess about four tablespoons worth of creamer.  Excessive, but I can't drink coffee without it.  Maybe I need to find an alternative.  Will try vanilla almond milk and see how I like it, but I'm not making any promises there.
3 tablespoons of peanut butter
1 tablespoons of chocolate chips

Not good, right?  I think I am understanding why I have gained all this weight since December.  And this, believe it or not, is probably a good day.  Sad, I know.  Hardly fresh veggies or fruit on the list at all, which is interesting since I make it a point to give Lily fresh fruit and veggies at every meal.  That's going to change.

Exercise:

45 minutes on the elliptical machine.  Calories burned (according to the machine, which I don't entirely trust: 350)
15 minutes running on the treadmill (speed, 4.5)

This is a little bit mortifying (perhaps more than a little bit), but hopefully it will help me grow and keep me on track, both physically and mentally (right now, I can't include emotionally, since emotionally I am a mess).

Anyone who happens upon this embarrassing blog, thanks for giving me this outlet.  I hope it works (she says as she fights back tears...not a good beginning).