Friday...the dreaded picture day!!!

[What you find below is what I wrote based on how I felt this afternoon, and it is pretty pathetic and full of self-loathing.  I decided to keep it, though, because I felt it was important to feel what I was feeling.  But thanks to my wonderful, smart, remarkable, and beautiful sister, I am feeling very different now.  Just when I needed it, she sent me this article.  It is beautifully written and says exactly what I feel better than I ever could.  I am getting healthier and stronger everyday.  I am beautiful and strong and talented.  I am able to hug my daughter tight and play with her everyday.  More importantly, I am trying to be a good role model for her so that the cycle of self-hatred ends with me.  I am grateful for my miraculous body and, while I had a major slip-up today, I will overcome my self-hatred.  Thanks, Shelly, for giving me exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I'm lucky to have such a great sister.]

 

It is the day.  The day I've been dreading since last Friday.  The dreaded picture day.  I find myself getting increasingly frustrated as I continue to see no results.  I keep telling myself it has only been two weeks.  But I am from the generation of instant gratification and I want to see results now!  Also, it would be nice to be able to post these weekly pictures without feeling mortified.

 

My more logical mind knows that all this anger at myself and frustration at not seeing results and not being skinny is sort of against everything I want to focus on and reveals me for the big, fat hypocrite that I am.  It is really hard not to obsess about losing weight and focus on being a certain size.  How do I get over this?  I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, but yesterday I went to the grocery store and had to force myself not to step on the scale to see how much I weigh.  Scale-dependent self-esteem is dangerous.  Mostly because it is bound to defeat me.  So it is time for some truth. 

 

I do want to lose weight.  Obviously, being 200 pounds is not healthy.  Obviously I would have more energy, less health problems, and increase my quality of life by losing weight.  So trying to say I don't want to lose weight is just a lie.  But maybe the real difference this time is I don't have a goal.  I am trying to focus on just being healthy.  I won't weigh myself and I won't know if I'm losing weight, so whether or not I feel good about myself will not be dependent on my scale (if I had one, that is).  I will judge my success by how I feel, both physically and emotionally.  Sometimes, however, that is easier said than done.  Today is one of those times. 

 

I woke up sore (a good sore) from working out like a fiend yesterday.  I was feeling good.  Then I went to get dressed and nothing fit right.  I changed many times, then just felt like giving up and getting back in my pajamas to spend the day on the couch eating ice cream.  Instead, I went to workout.  But I still feel it.  That feeling that I'm worthless because I'm not skinny.  And how stupid is that!  It makes me even more angry at myself for feeling worthless and focusing on my body.  Then I feel even more angry for being angry.  It is a horrible cycle.  So I'm going to take a moment to list some positive things about my progress.

 

After two weeks of working out 6 days a week and eating healthier, I feel better.  I don't have as many crazy cravings and I have more energy.  I think that since my body is getting all these nutrients from fresh fruits and vegetables and not just empty calories, I don't have as many cravings to compensate for the lack of nutrients from eating a diet high in white flours and starches.  (I know that was a crazy, convoluted sentence, but you get what I'm saying, right?)  Also, I am starting to understand the difference between feeling hunger, and just wanting to eat.  And while I never thought I was an emotional eater, I am starting to recognize that when I am stressed or bored or upset, I turn to food.  Rather than eating my emotions (a notion I have always scoffed at before now), I am going to come up with ways to deal with them.  Exercise has been helping with stress.  Boredom can easily be combatted by taking Lily out to do something fun outside.  As for when I am upset, I am still working on that one.  I'll let you know when I come up with a solution.

 

One thing I know for sure is that this isn't something I am doing for a time.  There is no end date.  This is something I am doing for the rest of my life.  I will fight the battle against junk food marketing.  I will fight the battle against processed food.  I will fight the battle against excuses.  Everyday I will fight for my health.  The only way I can lose this battle is to stop fighting.

 

Anyhow, I will stop rambling and just get on with my weekly mortification.  Sorry for the fuzziness of the pictures this week, but I am relying on a 5-year-old to take them, so I have to be happy with what I get.  Someday, when I feel healthy and confident, I will take a picture of myself in real clothes with my hair at least washed and some sort of makeup on my face.  But for now, you get the slovenly, post-workout pictures.

 



 

Today I ate:

2 waffles (I discovered that the healthy pancake recipe I loved from earlier this week, does not work well as waffles.  The batter sticks to the waffle iron and makes it difficult to get out the waffle.  In the future, we will stick to pancakes.  The waffles weren't pretty, but they were tasty.)
2 cups of coffee
8 ounce green smoothie
Chicken with balsamic glaze
Roasted sweet potatoes and red onions (quickly becoming a favorite alternative to mashed potatoes)

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike

The Joy of Baking

I love to cook and bake.  It is a big creative outlet for me.  I don't want to sacrifice that love for the sake of my crusade to bring health into our house.  There must be a way to compromise.  So today I made angel food cupcakes for a friend, with a little batter left over to make a small cake for my family.  Angel food cake has zero fat and low calories, though it does require real sugar and a tiny bit of cake flour.  Substitutes just don't work.  As far as baked goods go, there are worse things I could make.  And after my one piece, I ordered Ernie to take the rest with him to work.  No harm, no foul.  I can't decide if this is a healthy way of dealing with this issue, or if it is a way to make excuses.  I mean, I have found ways to bake things that are healthy.  No oil, no sugar, no flour.  My list of recipes is getting quite long and I could have made one of those.  But I enjoy making cakes. 

Here's the thing.  Food doesn't just feed our bodies.  It feeds our souls.  From the preparation to the presentation to the consumption, it is a way to connect.  With each other, with the earth, and with ourselves.  I just don't want to give that up.  That said, I enjoy the challenge of making healthy meals exciting and beautiful and delicious.  I suppose I need to stick with that and leave the cake making for special occasions.

Today I ate:

6 ounce green smoothie
2 cups of coffee
6 ounce green smoothie
4 almonds
1 piece of angel food cake
Steak with caramelized onions
1 glass of wine

Exercise:

50 minute spin class
2 hours Dance Trance!!!

Lifting each other

Today Lily and I went to the pool with some friends.  One of the other women who we went with mentioned to me that she has been reading my blog.  Then another of the women said she has been too.  I was instantly embarrassed.  Then one told me that she had had similar self-image problems and disordered eating when she was younger.  My other friend said she always has had these issues.  These are woman that I genuinely admire and want to emulate in many ways, and I was shocked.   Maybe I shouldn't have been, but these two woman are just so comfortable with themselves and self-confident that it never entered my mind that they might struggle with some of the issues that I do. 

It made me wonder how so many beautiful, talented, intelligent, and amazing people can have such huge confidence issues and such unhealthy relationships with food.  I've always thought that if only I could be skinnier, prettier, less socially awkward, more outgoing, etc., then I would be happy and confident and just better.  But if these two friends of mine who are beautiful and talented and smart and funny and outgoing have struggled with self-hatred, then there is a fundamental flaw in that thought process that I have had for much of my life.  If I always need something just out of reach to make me happy, I will never be happy.

The purpose of this blog is for me to live a healthier lifestyle.  Weight is not an indicator of either mental, emotional, or physical health.  I find myself getting frustrated because I haven't seen any results yet.  I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet, but I can't seem to help it.  But my size does not determine my health.  If I make smarter decisions when it comes to what I put in my body and I get regular exercise, I will be physically healthy regardless of my size.  And this blog is about health, not weight.  I am soft, I have big arms that I've hated for as long as I can remember, I have a huge ass and wide hips.  But I will love myself.  I will, someday, be able to look in the mirror and, flaws and all, love what I see and who I am.  But after today I realized there is something else I need to do.  I need to support the wonderful women around me.  I have to uplift them and tell them how amazing they are.  Because we all have our struggles and we all need encouragement.  So I am adding that to my goals for this blog.  I want to remember that there are others that need encouragement and acceptance and permission to forgive themselves just as much as I do.  I will try to remember that as I go throughout my day and provide those things where and if I can.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
1.5 pancakes (made with eggs, bananas, and oats. Lily loved them, even without sugar and flour)
2 cups of coffee
2 fish tacos
Watermelon
10 almonds

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike

Am I done yet?

I'm going to make this short and sweet.  I'm tired, I had a long day, and I overcame a killer craving for Taco Bell (I even got so far as driving up to the building before turning the car toward home, sans any burritos or tacos), so as far as I'm concerned, I'm done.  I went to the gym, and actually wanted to, which is new.  I think having the break where I get to be alone and listen to a book on tape for an hour and a half is getting addicting, even if it comes with dripping sweat and burning thighs.  Maybe it is made even sweeter because of these things.

I took Lily to the Museum of Science and History with her cousins today (hence, the above picture of adorableness).  Afterward we took a side trip to Chamblins Uptown, which I have wanted to check out since we moved here two years ago.  And it did not disappoint.  I couldn't leave without sampling some of the vegan and gluten-friendly food.  It was a delicious veggie wrap and I regret nothing!  (p.s.  I know I skipped breakfast and I know that was horrible of me.  But I didn't have time to make something at home and I didn't want to order out for breakfast and lunch.  I will endeavor not to do it again.)

Today I ate:

Grande iced coffee
Veggie wrap
Chai tea
10 almonds
Pork over quinoa
Roasted sweet potatoes with radish chips

Exercise:

1 hour stationary bike
20 minute run

 

Going out to eat...my first test

 

Today was a hectic day.  We left the house at 9:00 a.m. and didn't get back home until 4:30.  Even then, I only stayed home long enough to drop Lily off with Ernie and head out for an evening of fun-filled cardio.  It was a test to my commitment, being away from home all day.  There is comfort in dieting within the confines of your home.  You can control everything that comes into your kitchen and everything you put in your mouth.  But as soon as you leave, that control diminishes.  So today, being the first day out since I started this journey, was difficult.  I went to Starbucks because I didn't have time for coffee before we left the house.  Normally I would get a skinny cinnamon dolce latte and something to eat (usually a spinach feta wrap or a protein pack, but sometimes something worse like a selection from the pastry shelves).  Today, even as I had my order on the tip of my tongue, I had to remind myself of my commitment to healthy eating.  So instead of a drink that was the equivalent of an ice cream sundae (a large one) and a carb-filled snack, I ordered an iced coffee for me and a milk and muffin for Lily.

On my day went until the ultimate test reared its ugly head.  After my appointment in Jacksonville this afternoon, Lily said she was starving and demanded I feed her immediately (she's so high maintenance, expecting to be fed and all that).  So I found a café that looked like it offered relatively healthy selections and told myself that I would order something in line with my new lifestyle.  Luckily, the café turned out to be much more crunchy than I'd originally believed.  They were a gluten-free, vegan, and farm-to-table restaurant that was perfect. I was able to enjoy a wonderful, nutrient packed salad.  Then for dessert I split a green smoothie with Lily. 

I survived.  It was scary, but I did it with relatively few slip ups.  And I learned that I can still enjoy going out to eat with Lily (something we have long enjoyed doing together) and not compromise my healthy eating commitment.

Today I ate:

Grande iced coffee
Eggs with bacon and gouda
Spinach and goat cheese salad
8 ounce green smoothie
10 almonds
6 ounce green smoothie

Exercise:

50 minute spin class
2 hours Dance Trance

Motivation

I am my own worst enemy.  I have been doing this for 10 days.  10 days of healthier living and I have been feeling great, for the most part.  Motivation has come in many different forms and from many different people since I started this journey, and I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support, be it a virtual high five, a like, a blog comment, or a real life hug.  When I was sitting on my couch at 9:50 Friday night, trying to convince myself I didn't need to go to the gym, it was that support that got me off that couch.  I ended up burning nearly 600 calories that night (not that I'm counting ;)).  And today, when my husband and daughter ordered barbeque, it was that support that kept me from partaking.  I had two slices of pork, 2 slices of beef, and a salad rather than devouring potato salad, cornbread, baked beans, and banana pudding.  So thank you to everyone who has given me a word of encouragement or a like or a hug.  It has given me the strength to say I can do this.  And I will continue to do this.  I will not give up when I try to convince myself giving up would be easier, so thank you.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
10 almonds
8 ounce green smoothie
2 slices of rhubarb bread (I made four mini loaves using my no oil, no sugar, no gluten, whole grain recipe this afternoon and they were all gone by the end of dinner.  Lily and Ernie LOVED them.  Best recipe ever!)
Pork and Beef
Cucumber, tomato, and feta salad with balsamic vinegar

Exercise:

1 hour stationary bike
20 minutes running (my ankle has felt good today, so I did a test run.  No pain, so whatever I did appears to be healed.  Hurrah!  But now I'm kinda hooked on the stationary bike.  I think I'll do half and half)

No gym today :(

I didn't get in any exercise today.  I was all signed up for a triathlon this morning, but Ernie had to go into work at the last minute and I didn't have anyone to watch Lily.  I was so bummed about losing out on the registration money ($65), that I completely sabotaged my day by not working out at all.  I still could if I was really dedicated, but it is after 11:00 and I really am not that dedicated.  Sleep is more important.  I will get right back to it tomorrow, though.  And honestly, working out at night means I never get to see my husband, who leaves for work before 5:00 a.m. and usually doesn't get home until 6:00 or later.  So it was nice relaxing this evening and spending time with him and Lily.

If I fall off the exercise bandwagon, I get right back on it.  Tomorrow I will be back to the gym and, as long as Ernie doesn't have to go back into work, trying TRX.  I'm a little nervous because I am not a good at things that require both strength and coordination.  If I get to go, I will have a full breakdown of each moment of humiliation for your reading pleasure.

Today I ate:

8 ounce green smoothie
2 cups of coffee (I've officially gotten used to unsweetened coffee.  In fact, I love it!  Goodbye to those daily empty calories)
10 almonds
8 ounce green smoothie
1 rhubarb muffin
Peppercorn crusted pork tenderloin
Roasted sweet potatoes and onions in balsamic vinegar
1 glass of wine

At least I did pretty well with what I ate.  I've noticed that if I take the time to plate my meals on the good dishes, it makes eating healthy more comforting and satisfying.  I wonder why that is?