Friday...the dreaded picture day!!!

[What you find below is what I wrote based on how I felt this afternoon, and it is pretty pathetic and full of self-loathing.  I decided to keep it, though, because I felt it was important to feel what I was feeling.  But thanks to my wonderful, smart, remarkable, and beautiful sister, I am feeling very different now.  Just when I needed it, she sent me this article.  It is beautifully written and says exactly what I feel better than I ever could.  I am getting healthier and stronger everyday.  I am beautiful and strong and talented.  I am able to hug my daughter tight and play with her everyday.  More importantly, I am trying to be a good role model for her so that the cycle of self-hatred ends with me.  I am grateful for my miraculous body and, while I had a major slip-up today, I will overcome my self-hatred.  Thanks, Shelly, for giving me exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I'm lucky to have such a great sister.]

 

It is the day.  The day I've been dreading since last Friday.  The dreaded picture day.  I find myself getting increasingly frustrated as I continue to see no results.  I keep telling myself it has only been two weeks.  But I am from the generation of instant gratification and I want to see results now!  Also, it would be nice to be able to post these weekly pictures without feeling mortified.

 

My more logical mind knows that all this anger at myself and frustration at not seeing results and not being skinny is sort of against everything I want to focus on and reveals me for the big, fat hypocrite that I am.  It is really hard not to obsess about losing weight and focus on being a certain size.  How do I get over this?  I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, but yesterday I went to the grocery store and had to force myself not to step on the scale to see how much I weigh.  Scale-dependent self-esteem is dangerous.  Mostly because it is bound to defeat me.  So it is time for some truth. 

 

I do want to lose weight.  Obviously, being 200 pounds is not healthy.  Obviously I would have more energy, less health problems, and increase my quality of life by losing weight.  So trying to say I don't want to lose weight is just a lie.  But maybe the real difference this time is I don't have a goal.  I am trying to focus on just being healthy.  I won't weigh myself and I won't know if I'm losing weight, so whether or not I feel good about myself will not be dependent on my scale (if I had one, that is).  I will judge my success by how I feel, both physically and emotionally.  Sometimes, however, that is easier said than done.  Today is one of those times. 

 

I woke up sore (a good sore) from working out like a fiend yesterday.  I was feeling good.  Then I went to get dressed and nothing fit right.  I changed many times, then just felt like giving up and getting back in my pajamas to spend the day on the couch eating ice cream.  Instead, I went to workout.  But I still feel it.  That feeling that I'm worthless because I'm not skinny.  And how stupid is that!  It makes me even more angry at myself for feeling worthless and focusing on my body.  Then I feel even more angry for being angry.  It is a horrible cycle.  So I'm going to take a moment to list some positive things about my progress.

 

After two weeks of working out 6 days a week and eating healthier, I feel better.  I don't have as many crazy cravings and I have more energy.  I think that since my body is getting all these nutrients from fresh fruits and vegetables and not just empty calories, I don't have as many cravings to compensate for the lack of nutrients from eating a diet high in white flours and starches.  (I know that was a crazy, convoluted sentence, but you get what I'm saying, right?)  Also, I am starting to understand the difference between feeling hunger, and just wanting to eat.  And while I never thought I was an emotional eater, I am starting to recognize that when I am stressed or bored or upset, I turn to food.  Rather than eating my emotions (a notion I have always scoffed at before now), I am going to come up with ways to deal with them.  Exercise has been helping with stress.  Boredom can easily be combatted by taking Lily out to do something fun outside.  As for when I am upset, I am still working on that one.  I'll let you know when I come up with a solution.

 

One thing I know for sure is that this isn't something I am doing for a time.  There is no end date.  This is something I am doing for the rest of my life.  I will fight the battle against junk food marketing.  I will fight the battle against processed food.  I will fight the battle against excuses.  Everyday I will fight for my health.  The only way I can lose this battle is to stop fighting.

 

Anyhow, I will stop rambling and just get on with my weekly mortification.  Sorry for the fuzziness of the pictures this week, but I am relying on a 5-year-old to take them, so I have to be happy with what I get.  Someday, when I feel healthy and confident, I will take a picture of myself in real clothes with my hair at least washed and some sort of makeup on my face.  But for now, you get the slovenly, post-workout pictures.

 



 

Today I ate:

2 waffles (I discovered that the healthy pancake recipe I loved from earlier this week, does not work well as waffles.  The batter sticks to the waffle iron and makes it difficult to get out the waffle.  In the future, we will stick to pancakes.  The waffles weren't pretty, but they were tasty.)
2 cups of coffee
8 ounce green smoothie
Chicken with balsamic glaze
Roasted sweet potatoes and red onions (quickly becoming a favorite alternative to mashed potatoes)

Exercise:

30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike