Accountability

I had a conversation recently that has been with me a lot over the last couple of days.  It was about the importance of healthy inner dialogue in making changes in my life.  Since I was a young girl, there has been this voice inside of my head.  It makes sure I never get the chance to feel too good about myself.  I wouldn't want to actually see myself as the awesome person I am, right?  It tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not witty enough, I'm not...well, you get the idea.  It is difficult quieting this voice, as it tends to scream if I ignore it long enough.  Today it has been roaring.

I woke up this morning, having spent two nights with very little sleep due to a poor little girl with a virus that had her waking up every hour or so to puke her guts out in my toilet as I held back her hair.  I was tired, cranky, and emotional.  I was also vulnerable.  And that's how it started. 

This isn't going to work, that inner voice told me.  You're never going to have the body you want.  You are a fat slob.  You didn't even shower yesterday!

As I went to make my morning smoothie, that voice refused to relent.  You should skip breakfast, it sneered.  It isn't like you aren't getting enough food.  Look at you!  If anyone could use a good fast, it's you.

On it went, over and over, all day long.  Sometimes that voice even berated my mothering.  I mean, what kind of a mother can't help her sick child?  You shouldn't have done XYZ.  If you'd only been a better mother, this wouldn't be happening to Lily right now.

By the time I could make it to the gym, I was ready to cry.

Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror and did something that made me feel really silly at the time, but much to my surprise, helped quite a bit.  I told myself that I was amazing.  I was strong, I was smart, and I was determined.  And I was a damned good mother.  No one, not even me, could tell me different.  And then I smiled.  Even though I wanted to cry, I made myself smile as I kissed my husband and sick daughter goodbye and headed to the gym.

Normally, I would have succumbed to that inner voice telling me I couldn't do this.  But because of this blog, I didn't.  Because I am holding myself accountable in such a public fashion, I couldn't let my inner mean girl defeat me.  So thank you to everyone who reads this.  Thank you for holding me accountable, not just for living a healthy lifestyle, but for having a better relationship with myself.  I have gotten so much encouragement from people who have read this blog in the short time since I started it, and it helped me get through a really difficult day.  So thank you.

And with that said, here is my daily journal.

Today I ate:

12 ounce green smoothie (I had some tomatoes that weren't going to last much longer, so I threw them in my smoothie this morning.  I also added yogurt and a banana to the mix.  Not too bad.)
1 piece of vegan strawberry tart (I hate leftovers!  I must eat them quickly so they are no longer there to tempt me :))
2 cups of coffee (with almond milk this time.  I feel that this is a great accomplishment.  And I got to enjoy the great flavor of the coffee.  It wasn't sweet, but I realized something.  The reason I felt the need for creamer wasn't because I didn't like coffee without it.  It was because I have grown to expect my coffee to be sweet.  I actually really like the robust, smooth flavor of coffee without any sweeteners.)
8 ounce green smoothie (Lily didn't want anything to eat this morning and I didn't want the smoothie to go to waste, so it was my breakfast and lunch)
Chicken with balsamic glaze over spinach and quinoa

Exercise:

50 minute spin class.  I actually really enjoyed this class, even though I had to again work on a stationary bike.  I wasn't expecting to, but time flew and I worked harder than I do on my own.  I could see this being a regular thing.

2 hours of Dancetrance!!!  I've missed so many dancetrance classes of late, that I was very excited to be back!  If you haven't heard of it, you can check it out here.  It is the absolute best fitness program I have ever tried.  I just wish I could still do it 11 hours a week.  I'm lucky nowadays if I make it to one class a week.