I've been dreading this day all week. In fact, I've been dreading it since I posted my first picture last Friday. This is hard. I don't want to care about a number on a scale, but it is taking every ounce of willpower I possess not to step on that scale. I really want to know. But I know what knowing will do to me. It won't be the number I want, and then I will berate and belittle myself for being so fat. Then I will get depressed. And when I'm depressed, I become susceptible to emotional binge eating (like devouring the remaining chocolate chip cookies Lily and I made yesterday.) Then I'll get even more depressed and secretly go to Taco Bell, ordering four burritos and eating them in the parking lot while I cry over how pathetic I am. Then I will go workout until I throw up the four burritos and feel even more depressed and dysfunctional.
You know, I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't realize how hard. Spilling all my shameful secrets is one of the most difficult things I've done. I don't want you all to think everyday is horrible and I suffer from constant depression. That isn't the case at all. But I know my triggers and I know how bad it can get. I'm trying to prevent that from happening, because I don't want to keep going through this. So I won't weigh myself, and I won't obsess about calorie counting, and I won't belittle or berate myself for not being where I want to be. I will not focus on weight. I will not compare my body to everyone around me. I will be happy with whatever weight I end up being, as long as I know I am living a healthy life. Because losing weight will not keep me from getting diabetes or having a heart attack at 35. You know what will? Healthy eating and regular exercise. But still, it is hard not to let myself obsess and belittle and berate and have my happiness hinge on the numbers on a scale.
We are, every single one of us, fabulous in our own right. I will endeavor to acknowledge my own fabulousness and to quiet that voice in my head that always wants to hate on me.
Before I post my weekly pictures (perhaps I'm stalling a bit. Sue me!), I'd like to share this video a friend of mine sent me on facebook after my post last week. I'll warn you, there is nudity in the video, but it is done in a tasteful and beautiful way that demonstrates this new way in which I am trying to think of my body as something miraculous and beautiful. I cried like a baby when I first watched it. But if that offends you, please skip the video. I won't know you skipped it, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. Click here to watch it.
Without further ado, my weekly picture (I was going to wear the same outfit each week as a point of comparison, but the shorts I wore last week are still dirty, so I opted for pants):
I'm so glad that is over with! Now I don't have to do it again until next Friday (crap!). I look exactly the same as I did last week, but I don't know what I expected in a week. I'm still awesome, even though I didn't make a whole lot of progress this week. No, let me rephrase that. I am awesome, regardless of what progress I did nor did not make. I am not doing this so that I will be happy with myself at some future date. I am doing it because I love myself now and I deserve a strong, healthy body that will let me do all the things I love. It'll happen, as long as I keep making positive life changes, right? And fat shaming, even when done by myself, will only harm that progress.
Today I ate:
8 ounce green smoothie (strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, banana, spinach, almond milk. I ran out of Greek yogurt yesterday and didn't get to the grocery store until after the gym, but it wasn't bad without it.)
2 cups of coffee
8 ounce green smoothie (strawberries, banana, kale, Greek yogurt, almond milk)
1 Rhubarb muffin (recipe below)
Spinach, strawberry, and feta salad
6 ounce steak with caramelized onions
Roasted sweet potatoes
Exercise:
30 minutes on the elliptical machine
45 minutes on the stationary bike
My ankle has been feeling better, so I tried the elliptical machine today. Turns out, doing that when I did Dance Trance last night wasn't the best decision. My ankle is now swollen to an obscene size and I have it elevated, wrapped, and iced. Back to the stationary bike for me (Boo!).
Gluten-sugar-and-oil-free Rhubarb Muffins:
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl mix together rhubarb (I ran the raw rhubarb through the food processor. I considered just cutting it up and tossing it in, but figured doing it this way would make Lily and Ernie more likely to try them. Plus, I figured I needed all the moisture I could get. But you could chop it up, I'm sure, if you'd prefer), eggs, vanilla, milk and applesauce. In another bowl mix together the rest of the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients then add the 1/4 cup water. Do NOT over stir! Spray a 12 capacity and 6 capacity muffin pan with nonstick cooking spray. Pour batter into muffin cups filling to capacity. Makes 16. Bake 30 minutes or until a toothpick in center comes out clean.
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