It's a process

I've been thinking today about my process.  I suspect that it will evolve quite a bit over the course of my journey.  But right now, I wanted to put my process into words so that I have a more focused approach.  I think this will be especially useful because Lily has these mysterious, debilitating stomach pains that no one seems to be able to tell us how to alleviate, which is causing Lily and me both considerable stress.  That stress can easily translate into an excuse to fall back into bad habits.  Let's see if I can put my process into some sensible steps for me to follow so that doesn't happen.

Step 1:  Love myself.  If I don't love myself at 200 pounds, I won't love myself at 140 pounds, or 160 pounds, or any weight.  How do I do this?  That is the question I have been struggling with.  Right now I am working on daily affirmations (which make me feel like a big dork right now, but they are getting easier).  I am also working on focusing more each day on the quality of my day.  What I mean is that I focus on spending less time in front of my computer and more time at the garden, or at the beach, or on a walk, or playing dolls with my daughter. 

Step 2:  Eat clean, healthy meals prepared at home.  So far this has been easy.  I always eat relatively well when I am able to make the food.  The problem comes when we go on vacation.  And we seem to go on vacations a lot.  Then I get in the habit of eating out or letting others prepare my food for me, so when we get back to real life, as it were, I don't want to spend all that time in the kitchen preparing healthy meals for myself and my family.  That is when I fall on the old excuse of "I'm too tired to cook tonight.  Let's order pizza!"  So today I made an important purchase.  I bought a cooler.  Now, when we go on vacation I can bring my kitchen with me.  It is going to take more effort and planning (I am a spontaneous vacationer and we usually end up deciding to go somewhere an hour or so before we hit the road).  But if I can prepare healthy snacks and bring the makings of healthy meals, I'll at least be better equipped to combat the temptation of fast food.

Step 3:  Be active.  Whether I make it to the gym or not, I want to live a more active life.  My goal is to workout at least six days a week, but whether I workout or not, I want to be active.  I want to take walks and play outside with my daughter.  I want to run and breath deep and enjoy this beautiful world more.

Step 4:  Accept the love that surrounds me.  I am so lucky.  I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and great friends and family surrounding me everyday.  When my inner demons start railing on me, I find myself reluctant to accept this love.  I doubt its sincerity and have a tendency to isolate myself.  I'm really working hard to reverse this tendency.  When I am feeling particularly down on myself, I'm not going to hide it like some shameful secret and pull away from those who love me.  Instead, I'm going to make my shame public and embrace those who offer me support and love.

Step 5:  Forgive myself.  There will be days when I will fail at one or all of the above steps.  No one can be perfect, as much as I feel like I should be the exception.  So I am going to forgive myself when I fall short on any of these steps.  If I eat cake for breakfast or have two scoops of mocha ice cream at the Fudge Shoppe, I will forgive myself.  If I miss going to the gym, I will forgive myself.  If I let my inner demons spiral me into a depression, I will forgive myself.  And then I will move on from it as if it never happened.  I will not use it as an excuse to give up altogether.  If you get a flat tire, you repair the hole.  You do not poke a thousand other holes in the tire in retaliation for the one, easily repaired, damaged area.

Today I ate:

12 ounce green smoothie (I went simple today, because I was tired and didn't feel like putting too much effort into making breakfast.  It was bananas, strawberries, spinach, and plain Greek yogurt.)
2 cups of coffee
1 piece of angel food cake
Sweet potato fries

Yesterday was such a good day with Lily.  After her feeling so badly for as long as she did, I was very excited to go an entire day without any stomach pains.  But by early afternoon today, they were back with a vengeance.  So we spent much of the afternoon at the doctor (she is fine, by the way).  I didn't eat anything for dinner, but I can't bring myself to feel guilty.  I did go to the gym after Lily went to bed, and it helped relieve some of my stress, which was helpful.

Exercise (since I couldn't take Lily with me with her feeling sick again, the body pump class didn't happen :(, but at least I did something):

1 hour on the stationary bike.  I'm starting to like this a little more.  Well like is a bit of a misnomer.  I suppose it would be more accurate to say that I am starting to hate it less.  It is a good alternative to running when my ankle is throbbing.  I only went 15 miles today, but I felt good afterward, so I guess that's okay.  I increased the resistance, so I assume that is why I didn't pedal as fast.

I am happy.  I will live today, not wait for tomorrow.  Life is what we make of it now, so live the best you can today.